My Most Embarrassing Moment

Some of you know this story- I felt the need to post it. I tell it every year to my class as we define what plot means in a story. This has a great climax. :)

When I was in college I went with my friend Danette to pick up her sister at the Baltimore airport. As we were driving, I made a comment about my friend Ryan flying back to the U.S. from Guatemala on the very same day. He had been gone for a couple of months and I thought it would be really cool if he happened to be coming in to the Baltimore Airport. I, of course, had no idea what airport he was coming in to. Danette agreed that would be great, but the chances of him being at the same airport, at the same time as her sister, were pretty slime. As we parked in the chaotic parking lot, we decided to kill time down in the International part of the airport. Danette loves this part of the airport because she flew in and out so many times on her many trips to Sweden. If you have ever been to the Baltimore Airport you know that it has two levels. When you make your way over to the International side you can stand on the second level and look down to the bottom floor. During the Holidays they put a gigantic tree there. So we stood- the two of us- looking at the amazing tree. I was gazing down to the bottom of the tree when I saw him- my friend Ryan! As soon as I saw him I screamed- RYAN- at the top of my lungs. I did not waste one instance- I turned and flew down the escalator. As I sprinted away, Danette looks down at the person I just screamed at and stated in a calm voice- "are you Ryan?" The confused young man looked up at her and said, "No." To which my friend Danette replies- "my friend- the girl who just screamed at you- thinks you are her friend Ryan." This brought a smile to his face and he turns to wait in anticipation.

Meanwhile I am continuing my high speed chase. My high boots were thumping and my long coat was dancing as I rounded the corned of the bottom level. This was no slow pretty girl run, but a non graceful, coat flapping, all out sprint. As I rounded the corner I only gained more speed. As I closed in on my prey- I jumped in the air to give the best welcome home hug ever, when I realized my mistake. In mid-air it became completely obvious that this was not my friend Ryan. As I landed in this stranger's arms, I pushed back, as he held on tight and very quietly said, "you aren't my friend Ryan." With a smile he stated "No, but I can be," as he gave me another huge hug. Laughing slightly, I pulled away as he group of guy friends all pushed forward in a chorus to tell me they could be Ryan. I apologized, welcomed him to the Baltimore Airport, and quickly made a more graceful exit. As I road the escalator back up I glanced at my friend Danette to see her laying on the floor in hysterics.

This is my most embarrassing moment. :)

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas . . .

In the 6 years that I have officially lived here in Virginia (meaning a permanent resident, not a student) there has only been one huge snow. I have never had a "White Christmas" here and I have never seen piles and piles of snow in parking lots. Despite my mid-western upbringing, I have to admit, it was pretty fun to see the snow come down. It brought back lots of memories of Iowa. My enthusiasm pales in comparison to Paul. He loves snow. Not just a "man this is cool" kind of love, a rip roaring excitement that encompasses all those around him. While the rest of the world sighed in relief to be snowed in for a day- my husband was up at 5:30, barely containing his energy. He could not wait to get outside to tackle the snow. You can't but help catch the excitement as he begins tearing through all of my neatly organized bins just to find his long lost pair of ski pants. It was worth the mess just to see the smile stretch across his face. I know this snow is nothing to those of you reading from Iowa, but for the natives around these parts, the drama is amazing. Enjoy the photos and videos.

P.S. Just for the Iowa folks- we got out of school early on Friday because they were predicting snow. Yes you read correctly- predicting snow. There was not a snowflake to be seen. :)

A "Season of Firsts"

Two years ago we embarked on what I liked to call the "Season of Firsts". This so called season was defined by sorrow and "what might have beens". For some, holidays are characterized by painful reminders of what or whom has been lost. It is darkness. It is grief. It is loss.


This year we find ourselves in a much different "Season of Firsts". This year we laugh at Audra's current new sound, which much to my dismay, is da da. In fascination we see our old, everyday world, through her eyes and it becomes new. We live for each daily moment with her and cherish where we are this year. So many times I catch my breath when I think of where I was last year at this time. For this, we are thankful.



It is difficult to wade through the ins and outs of a grief tide. At this time of year, we pause and remember those who are on their own painful "Season of Firsts". You are in our thoughts and our prayers. We will hope for you when you cannot.

Moving Beyond November

Sometimes when words fail me, a song finds it way to me and says what I long to say. The silence has become my friend for the last few months. It is November- what do I expect. November is hard. It is darkness. It is grief. It is death. I thought this year would be different, but it wasn't. I wish I could say we created some wonderful traditions to remember the boys. I wish even more I could give you a list of things we did to remember them that day. But I can't. I realized the pain is still too raw. So I leave with this song- when silence fills my soul and there are no words.

"Beauty Will Rise"- Steven Curtis Chapman-

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Six Months- almost Seven

Here are some six month pictures. Enjoy. :)

Wagon Rides

My Aunt Carla gave Audra this wagon. Despite her pensive look she loves it! Audra loves being outside and we have already covered many miles in the wagon.

Baby Butt

So I had to post this picture. It made me laugh pretty hard and I am still chuckling over it as I post this photo. I had just put Audra down for a nap and was checking her to see if she was asleep. Asleep she was . . . with no diaper. We are still in awe at how she managed to get out of her diaper. Just this week she started to pull at the Velcro and I guess she figured it out. She was sleeping so peacefully that we decided to let her sleep and take our chances on a wet bed. Four hours later and a wet bed she finally woke up. Sundays are always a little hard. :)

Canada 09

On July 24th Audra and I flew to Iowa for our second visit of the summer. We stayed there with my mom and dad until Paul drove out to meet us. After he arrived we all piled into mom and dad's vehicle, joined the Slaubaugh Fleet and drove to Canada for the annual summer vacation.

Video Time

Many of you have asked for some videos of Audra- so here you go. Have fun. P.S. Many of the videos are far away because Audra gets quiet when the camera gets too close. :)

July 4th

Audra took her second hike of the year. We spent the 4th of July hiking at Skyline Drive. She loves being outside! Here are a few pictures from the day. :) The other photo is from our journey to Iowa. I love my Baby K'tan sling. Thanks Sues! And I just had to load the picture of the sunglasses! I love them!

Visiting Iowa

So a couple of weeks ago my mom and sister and law Cara were in a store here in Virginia. Cara came over at one point and told us about some high school kids that were talking about a friend of theirs who was going to start playing baseball for Iowa. The part of the story that turned interesting and only caused us to inch closer was the part about Iowa people just being different. :) It was stated that people in Iowa move slower and have a different type of lifestyle. They just couldn't figure out what this kid moving to Iowa to go to college was going to do in all of his spare time. As we walked out of the store we all had a good laugh. So here's to Iowa people- You are one of a kind. :)

3 1/2 months

So I am posting a few new pictures for those of you that are dying to see some (uhhmmmm Marsha are you happy now?) Enjoy.

Jenga- And the blocks fall down

Today my blocks fell. Today a student told me that I was having a bad hair day. I looked up to a student to happen to be having just as bad of a hair day by the way and I lost it. In a very comical way of course --but I lost it. You are probably thinking by now that I also have a few lose screws and I am sure by now if you actually take time to read these rambling thoughts you have come to find that I write like I talk. In broken, random sentences. I really haven’t lost my mind but there have been days I have come pretty close. Imagine the game Jenga. For those of you that haven’t played the game, it is a pretty funny game to watch someone else play. Basically a bunch of blocks are stacked in a strong tower and one by one players try to take a piece away from the once stable structure. With each move the tower begins to teeter and sway as the tower becomes unstable. Everyone holds his or her breath in anticipation as each player makes a move, knowing that all it takes is one wrong move and the entire tower will crumble. When the tower falls, it is amazing to see the way different people react. Some scream in the highest girls scream- seriously I have heard some very masculine voice be resorted to pitiful high pitch wails at the motion of a wobbling Jenga tower.

Over the past few weeks I have built a pretty impressive tower. My tower consists of many things that I am actually pretty good at. Each day I wake up and give 110% and scramble to do everything to the best but something will suffer. When anyone tries to do too many things at once you can’t do ONE thing well. So as I have come to learn about myself- I am the game of Jenga. I love so many things that I pile my blocks high and it works really well for awhile. Slowly, piece by piece is taken away and my blocks begin to fall until my entire tower come crashing down and I left to try and put it back together- which I usually do and I start all over again.

It is has taken me a long time to figure this out. Now that I know this I am going to try and lessen my block load. Maybe if I try and stack just a few-the crash won’t be so brutal. And of course I will be giving my hairdresser a call and find the poor student who was simply giving an opinion. :)

Remebering the Silence

Someone asked me the the other day if I was missing the days of bed rest now that I have a very active two month, almost three month old. Honestly. No. I am just not someone who craves to lie around. There is too much to do, to enjoy. However, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy resting each night and there have been many nights that I have left my warm bed with a grumpy flourish to walk the whole 10 steps down the hall to answer the cry of a hungry infant. I can imagine from Paul's perspective the grumpy flourish can be more of a tidal wave some nights. However it is on nights like these when I find myself awake after yet another night of being up with Audra and find that despite sheer exhaustion I cannot sleep. For whatever reason times of deep quiet are when I think the best and realize many things. There is deep value in quiet and reflective times. I believe that is why it was created. SO I have come to stop fighting these episodes of awareness and just marvel in the awe of having a little girl who came at such a price.

For now I scrounged up some photos for those of you who can't seem to stop demanding more. Maybe this will quiet your roar until I finish school and actually have time to work on posting more. (Hmmm there are a few of you who will remain nameless, despite your persistant nagging- I have a feeling you just want a photo but I shall pretend you want to read my endless ramblings- I hope you realize that I am sacrificing sleep to post them! :)

The Shadow Lingers- Holding on and letting go

It is 4 a.m. and as I blankly stare at this screen I continue to ask myself why my deepest thinking has to come in the middle of the night or early morning. I have no answers and know that I will pay for it tomorrow. However, sometimes the emotional benefit far out-weighs the need for sleep. And lets be honest, who really sleeps with a five week in the house.

For awhile now I have been realizing my shadow still lingers. This became apparent to me when a good friend asked me how it was to remember Jacob and Caden now that Audra was born. This is the same friend who has walked so intimately with us during this time. She was the first one to the hospital the morning the boys died and she was the same friend who came to the hospital with three roses- two in remembrance of Jacob and Caden and one for Audra. There are very few who have stayed, continued to walk beside me and look to me and say “Alicia, I will not forget.” There are very few that ask about the boys simply because as humans we don’t know what to say- and sadly in the end- we say nothing, leaving a feeling of being forgotten to the ones who never forget. She is the same friend who walks with her own unspoken grief yet takes time to ask me these questions because she knows I need to think them. To her I am forever grateful and wish for everyone a friend like this.

I never did answer her completely as it often takes me awhile to process such questions. And as has I have come to realize my answers come in the form of what I like to call “mind-stunners.” These are the answers that slam us in the face and we are left with a stunned expression on our face and wonder why it took so long for it to become clear. I feel this is a fitting word as dictionary.com defines the word stun- “to deprive of consciousness or strength”, to shock; overwhelm.” So my “stunner” came tonight as I stood over Audra’s crib and realized with a force so full of grief that she would not be here if the boys had not passed on. The most heartbreaking thing for a grieving mother to realize is that you can’t have both. Somehow I want to hold on and let go at the same time. I will I know that I will never know my three children in this life- but I look forward to the day I do; A day I enter a life where I will walk with all three.

So I will end with a photo of Audra and anticipate watching her grow and awaiting the day she will be old enough to learn about her two older brothers and the day that I will walk with all of my children- hand in hand.

One Month

It is hard to believe that one month has come and gone. So far we have had some exciting times around the Berry household. I am finally updating this site with more pictures as so many of you are asking for. It has an amazing month. Where has time gone?

Meanings

Audra= "noble strength"

Many of you have asked how we came up with the name Audra. I have to admit that I heard it a couple years ago and really liked how it sounded. However, I am a person who likes to have stories or meanings behind names so I wasn't sure if the name made the short list. It also had to pass the approval of Paul, who wasn't as sold as I was. However, he did at least pause and think about it when I suggested it, which was much better then other names presented to him. I am also a teacher which makes naming a child a very challenging thing. So when we came down to two girl names, I finally got a hold of book to find the meaning of the name Audra. Audra means "noble strength." I immediately felt that was an appropriate name for a little baby that had to endure scary tests and many doctor appointments as well as the threat of an early arrival. In the beginning of the pregnancy I would actually talk to her and tell her she was strong and she could do this. Sounds corny, I know, but it really helped me. It was at that point that I was sure that should be her name, if she were to be a girl. Grace was easy and seemed appropriate as we were given the grace to make it through this journey. So the story of her name unfolded. However, it was not until the moment she was born that the decision was made for Paul. He wanted to see her first before he made a decision on the name. I guess he felt it was right too. Don't try to pull the other name out of me, I might want to use it in the future. Thank you to all of you for the countless e-mails, comments, and cards. It has been wonderful to share her with you.

P.S. Many of you have commented on the pictures and assumed I was the one to take them, however, the credit all goes to Paul. He is also an amazing photographer, he just doesn't take credit for it.

Hair

More pictures

We promise not to flood this website with pictures. However, we are unable to access Facebook at the hospital because according to the web blocker, it is a dating network and is not acceptable for the hospital. So here is where we will post some new shots. We have some anxious grandparents who need to see her. Thank you for the many e-mails and notes. They are so fun to get.

Audra Grace

Baby Berry is finally here! Audra Grace Berry arrived March 9th at 12:38 p.m. She is 8.8 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. She has big hands, great for a middle blocker in volleyball or a setter. :) We came in at 8:30 and by 12:38, she was born. Paul and I were very excited to hear her first cries. Here is the first picture of her and I am sure there will be more to come. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. We are so ready to begin this new journey.

No New News

Just an update to let everyone know there is still no news of a baby. Stay tuned.

The Countdown Begins

After visiting the Dr. today we now have a plan. As of today I am 4 1/2 cm and 95% effaced. Sorry for those of you who think that was too much info. Dr. Cassidy can't believe we are still walking around! :) We went ahead and planned an induction for Monday, March 9th but know we could go before that day. Of course we would like if nature would take it course but we are also okay with setting a date to deliver. What is known is that Baby Berry will be entering the world in 7 days or less. Knowing our history we will probably go to Monday. :)

False Alarm

So I guess the contractions were another false alarm. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and we shall see what is going on and begin to talk about a plan if I continue to be in the waiting period. My official due date is March 11th and for those of you wise crackers who thought it would be so funny if I went past my due date, I am seriously considering hunting you all down. It is a good thing to be this far, it just seems unreal. We will keep you posted.

Weekend Hopes

So we are still waiting but also wondering if things may start to happen soon. I have been having some contractions which make us wonder if it might happen sooner than later. So again we will keep this site updated and as soon as we know we will let you all know. It is very strange from going from not wanting to go into labor to being very ready. Thank you again for all of your prayers and e-mails.

Anna

First of all, we are still waiting, no baby news yet. :)

On a deeper note: A year and a half ago I meet an amazing woman named Kate. We meet for the reason that no one every wants to meet someone; the death of a child. There are only a few reasons why I am where I am today in this grief journey and Kate is high on that list. Sadly there is comfort is being with another mother who has lost. One never wishes anyone to travel the journey of losing a child, but Kate has taken her grief and done amazing things with it. So today the Berry family honors the life of Anna who at this moment is leading our boys through the beautiful fields of Heaven and showing them the way. Anna is as much a part of our hearts as Jacob and Caden and we thank the Kelty's for sharing their ability to recover from loss so we can recover too. Anna we love you and can't wait to meet you someday.

Broken Places

Some of you may note the time on this post: 12:22 a.m. Yes a.m. I would love to say the sleepless nights are long past for me. It seems that they just have become fewer and far between. So long, dark and quiet nights bring me to reflect and as stated before in the quiet is where I learn the most.

The last few days have been ones of reflection and grief again. For those that have lost a child realize the grief never fully goes away. One cannot go back to normal or try to live the way it was before. A new normal must be formed and defined. As I have been defining my new normal I often look to others for help. So as I was searching the other day for words of inspiration I stumbled upon some beautiful words. I was hopelessly cleaning out my "hope" chest, ha no pun intended, when I found this small, crumpled up piece of paper with writing on it. No memory could define where, when or how I had come to write on this small piece of paper but after studying it for a time it was obviously meant for me. Below are words I must have found in a book and they obviously touched me enough to write it down. I share it with you now and you can take what you want or need from it.

To become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that
we do two things, 'hang in there' and 'let go.' To somehow dig
up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us
to scoop up the broken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the
feet of One who would do more in us than just get us through the
storm.
As James Means said, HE would take the fire that blackens our
horizons and warm our souls with it. HE would sharpen our vision
in the darkness that oppresses us. HE would use the despair of
standing at a grave to deepen our trust.
This we cannot do for ourselves. Perhaps because our brokenness
brings us to the end of ourselves, it is here, in these jars of clay that
we offer ourselves up, and God's all surpassing power is made known
and HE indeed makes us strong in our broken places.

Thinking of the broken places . . .

Still here . . . still waiting . . .

Just another update to say we are still waiting. The more days the better but I must say we are getting very anxious to meet this baby. We will keep you posted.

Waiting . . .

Just wanted to post an update saying I am still at home waiting for the arrival of this baby. I guess he/she is just not ready. I have not been cleared to go back to work so I spend much of my time recovering and organizing. Hopefully we will be posting photos soon!

A Cute Story

This was so cute I had to share it with all of you who follow this blog.

My friend Sherri lives in Canada and they came to visit me a couple of weeks ago. This is a conversation she had with her son while she was reading my blog one day.

Nathan: "Who's baby is that turning on there?
Sherri: "Alicia's. Do you think she will have a boy or girl."
Nathan: "A Boy! And his name will be Kai!"

So there is one person's prediction! :)


He also keeps talking about how Alicia has to lie on the couch so her baby doesn't come out.
And he keeps talking about how Alicia's mom called him MARVIN!!! He always says Marvin really loud and with a huge smile on his face.

This made me smile and I had to share it with all. I am happy to share with Nathan that I no longer have to lie on the couch so my baby doesn't come out. I am now considered a completely normal 36 week pregnant woman. We have been counting some irregular contractions today but nothing too dramatic. We will keep you all updated!

Officially Nesting

Still here, no baby news yet. However, many of you would be proud of my mini projects that I have been tackling. I have now officially organized every closet we own even going as far as washing every button down shirt Paul owns, ironed it and organized it by color. I do believe I have found the real meaning of the word "nesting"? It is amazing to be a more normal pregnant woman. I think most woman would be very tired by the 36 week but I have been renewed with energy at the mere mention of cleaning the house.

Friday

Everything went well again today at my weekly doctor's appointment. At this point in time I have been given pretty much all of my freedoms back. Don't worry I won't get too extreme and start doing jumping jacks. I still have to take it very slow as my legs and muscles are still adjusting to movement. In a week, I already am beginning to feel a little stronger. Now I just need to not overdue it. It is amazing that we are at this point and feel very blessed to be here. We will continue to keep you posted on anything new.

Target

What would this world be like without Target? I love going there and today Paul took me for the first time in a long time. I took one lap around the store, went to lunch and then promptly went back home where I collapsed and took a two hour nap. I guess that wore me out. :)

Just wanted to post something today as many of you comment that you get concerned if there are too many days between the posts. Still hanging in there and anticipating the next few weeks.

The Silence in the Shadow

So the last few days have been interesting. I now take time to sit on my couch and view the room around me. Instead of seeing the cracks on the ceiling or my empty beam now that Christmas is past, I see the magazines that line the floor or the dust that has built up on top of the table. This makes me smile as I realize it does not matter what position I am in, I will always find something to fixate on. Those who know me well, know how dangerous this can be. Slowly I have been finding my "land legs" as I make my way back into vertical world. It is strange to go from such strict bed rest to so many changes. I still have to take it easy and spend most of my time on this couch. However, the kitchen is now void of those pesky daily crumbs and there is a load of laundry cleanly retiring by my feet as I write. It is these small things that make my day go by faster and I anticipate life beyond the confines of couch sitting and "being careful." I have learned much from this time spent lying still and have realized in the stillness is where I have learned the most. As happy as I am to be up, I also realize that I will never again have the time I have had to reflect and drink deeply from the quiet. There is a song you can now find on this blog that is called "I Believe in Love". The chorus says "I believe in the sun even when it is not shinning, I believe in love even when I don't feel it and I believe in God even when he is SILENT." The song was inspired by the very quote you find in the chorus. It was etched into the wall of a concentration camp by a man who spent the remainder of his days in a dark stone room. I don't know about you but when I am in my darkest times, I am not usually praising God. I continue to take from this song and begin to find what it means for life as well as ponder what it means to have your character formed in the valley instead of the mountain top.

A New Woman

Today I am a new woman! I have been given a window of freedom and I define how far I open that window. :) After my doctor appointment today, I have been released to do a few more things. What are these things you may ask? 1. I am sitting up to type this. 2. I can go out to eat with my husband tomorrow night. 3. Super Bowl party here I come. (I have never been so excited for the Super Bowl) 4. I can go to Target for an hour if I want to. 5. I get to have lunch with a friend at the Tea Room tomorrow. 6. I can do light household chores (AGAIN- Never been so excited to do laundry or empty the dishwasher) With all of this said, I do need to continue to take it easy. I have been warned that I am weak and fragile from 10 weeks of lying on a couch, which means I need to be cautious about how much I add to my day. In all reality I am just so excited to sit up. The indigestion from lying down to eat was really getting to me. I think I now own half of the Tums company as I have made my way through millions of bottles of nasty chalkiness. I have an appointment scheduled for Friday the 13th (ahhhhh) in which it is possible I will deliver around that time. So Amber, Sarah, Cindy and Sandy there is a very high chance that one of you will share a birthday with our baby. We continue to be in awe that we have made it this far and thank you again for the many many thoughts and prayers you have given on our behalf. I will continue to update this blog and as soon as there is news of a baby, we will also post that here. So stayed tuned!

I cheated!

Yes, you read right, I cheated. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood in the kitchen for 15 minutes today and wiped down the counters and rinsed some dishes. I can hear you gasping now. I just had to get up, I was going crazy. Now I have to deal with Paul when he comes home and wonders why the kitchen is so clean. But really, the crumbs on the counter and in the microwave were beginning to drive me insane. So you see, it just had to be done. I will do better tomorrow, I promise.

Friday Appointment

Good news again. I continue to be stable and today the words "lifting bed rest" were uttered! On Wednesday of next week I will be 34 weeks and when I go for my regular Friday appointment as long as I continue to be stable, "some" of my restrictions will be lifted. Oh the joy of actually sitting up to eat, or walking around the house more than once, or just sitting up in general. What has seemed to far away is now finally feeling a little closer. I may even be able to get out for a Super Bowl party. I can't even imagine.

Good Morning Ameria!!!!!!!!!

So this morning Paul and I were watching Good Morning America and good ol' Dr. Oz was presenting some information about chronic pain and recovery. He said that for each day you are in bed it will take 10 days to recovery. I literally started to laugh out loud. Bursts of laughter! So far I have been on this couch for 63 days. You do the math. :)

5 Truths

1. Pain CAN make you stronger, if you let it.
2. Self condemnation does nothing for yourself.
3. Shadows prevent one from moving forward but are often necessary in healing.
4. Control can be defined in different ways.
5. You can question, scream and even walk away from God- but what is true will always rise above.

Test Results for week 32

The FFN test came out negative again! This means we will not delivery for two more weeks which puts us at 34 and a half weeks. This was also the last time I will do this test as there is no need after 34 weeks. Who would have imagined that at week 24 we thought we were going to deliver and now we are here at 32! We are feeling so much more peaceful and look forward to the next few weeks going by quickly.

Another Friday Appointment

Another Friday appointment and again another stable day at the doctor's office. It was time for the fetal fibronectin test and I will make sure to post the results tomorrow after we find out. Today we also got to go to RMH and pre-register at the hospital. This was a pretty amazing feeling after all of these weeks of waiting. Thank you again for the mulititudes of prayers, thoughts and e-mails over the past 8 weeks! We continue to anticipate and look forward to the end of this unique journey.

My Shadow

Today's entry is the beginning of a new journey in blogging. It has nothing to do with my current status in pregnancy, but rather the a beginning of a new journey. It is a new journey with the attempts of a bed-ridden woman to understand life. Please feel free to skim, scan or even skip this entry if you have no interest in the musing of a woman with too many hours to spend thinking. I will not be offended.


For years five years now a shadow has been defining itself over my head. Only recently have I discovered this shadow that keeps me from gifts that are ready to be given to me. I struggle to write these words as I know many of you will read them and I do not want to ever paint a picture of perfectness. Please read this entry knowing these are mere ramblings from a woman who has spent many hours with time on her hands. What else can come from being forced to lie around but deep questions and thoughts?

My shadow started five years ago when Paul was diagnosed with stage five cancer and was fighting for his life. As a new bride of six months the "in sickness and health" part was becoming a reality much sooner than expected or even wanted for that matter. Living through 2 1/2 years of treatments with battles won and battles lost can begin to define a person. Living with and battling cancer also gives new meaning to life. Journeying through cancer with someone I loved deeply is where my shadow began and continues to this day.

With what deemed a defying of odds, Paul recovered and life began to move forward. However the Shadow was still there even if it wasn't felt each day. The shadow moved back in when we were told children were not a possibility and would be a miracle if it happened naturally. However the shadow was cast aside completely when six months later we were told we were having twins. The light broke through and I threw my shadow aside singing my praise to the heavens. What an incredible gift to be given despite odds and struggles.

Five months later the Shadow threw itself completely around me as I held my twin sons in my arms and watched them die. November 11th is the day a part of my heart died I forever will be changed. It will forever be known as my darkest day. My Shadow now completely surrounded me. I challenged God, I shouted "WHY" to the heavens, and heaven forbid I even screamed at God. I demanded to know why a God of love would allow this to happen. I battled to continue to trust God and despite still trusting God did not mean I had to understand Him. So began my journey with my shadow.

My shadow continues today despite the thought of a new child, a new miracle. These seven weeks have made me realize that my Shadow has become my comfort. I am beginning to be ready to throw off my shadow and try to receive this gift of life. I recognize this process will not happen over night and there will be days when I have to run back to the cover of my shadow. With baby steps I will begin this journey knowing my journey will have mountaintops and valleys. I will aim to accept this gift and walk each day believing I deserve a new chapter in life with joy and light.

The Countdown Begins

Today is the beginning of the count down. There were small changes today, but no alarms yet. It feels very good to be at 31 weeks and we would really like to make it to 34 so we can delivery here at RMH. After lying around for seven weeks, it seems that I should be able to go 3 more weeks if not 5 more. However, I am making 34 my goal and would be very happy for that week to come. Therefore I entitled this blog entry "The countdown begins" for that reason. It won't be long now. I love hearing from so many of you and thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

31 Weeks

31 Weeks. It is hard to believe that I am still here on this couch. Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks of lying on this coach, that is 49 days, or 1,176 hrs or one bizillion million minutes. :) The best news is that at week 34 I will be allowed to sit up and move around a little more. That is only 3 weeks away and you better believe I am holding on to that one to get me through the next few days. This week my mom is here and she has been an amazing help. The nursery we were so reticent to complete is taking shape and slowly our thoughts are turning to a new journey in our lives.

A Negative can be a positive thing

The test results are in again and they were negative. This means no delivery for two more weeks, which puts us at 32 1/2 weeks. Great news again. I have to say that I am feeling much much more calm and at peace. 32 weeks is another huge goal for babies that can be born early. Now that the holidays are over I am looking forward to spring.

On another note . . . I had two different friends lose a parent this holiday season to cancer. Knowing how hard grief can be, think of them as you spend time with your families this season.

Friday- Another Appointment

Today was another appointment. I am starting to feel like all I do is go to the doctor anymore. :) However, it does bring peace of mind. Again there were no changes and the doctors are very encouraged at how long I have been stable. I will write with another update tomorrow after I call to get the test results of the fetal fibronectin test we did today. Thank you again for the constant stream of thoughts and prayers.