A New Woman

Today I am a new woman! I have been given a window of freedom and I define how far I open that window. :) After my doctor appointment today, I have been released to do a few more things. What are these things you may ask? 1. I am sitting up to type this. 2. I can go out to eat with my husband tomorrow night. 3. Super Bowl party here I come. (I have never been so excited for the Super Bowl) 4. I can go to Target for an hour if I want to. 5. I get to have lunch with a friend at the Tea Room tomorrow. 6. I can do light household chores (AGAIN- Never been so excited to do laundry or empty the dishwasher) With all of this said, I do need to continue to take it easy. I have been warned that I am weak and fragile from 10 weeks of lying on a couch, which means I need to be cautious about how much I add to my day. In all reality I am just so excited to sit up. The indigestion from lying down to eat was really getting to me. I think I now own half of the Tums company as I have made my way through millions of bottles of nasty chalkiness. I have an appointment scheduled for Friday the 13th (ahhhhh) in which it is possible I will deliver around that time. So Amber, Sarah, Cindy and Sandy there is a very high chance that one of you will share a birthday with our baby. We continue to be in awe that we have made it this far and thank you again for the many many thoughts and prayers you have given on our behalf. I will continue to update this blog and as soon as there is news of a baby, we will also post that here. So stayed tuned!

I cheated!

Yes, you read right, I cheated. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood in the kitchen for 15 minutes today and wiped down the counters and rinsed some dishes. I can hear you gasping now. I just had to get up, I was going crazy. Now I have to deal with Paul when he comes home and wonders why the kitchen is so clean. But really, the crumbs on the counter and in the microwave were beginning to drive me insane. So you see, it just had to be done. I will do better tomorrow, I promise.

Friday Appointment

Good news again. I continue to be stable and today the words "lifting bed rest" were uttered! On Wednesday of next week I will be 34 weeks and when I go for my regular Friday appointment as long as I continue to be stable, "some" of my restrictions will be lifted. Oh the joy of actually sitting up to eat, or walking around the house more than once, or just sitting up in general. What has seemed to far away is now finally feeling a little closer. I may even be able to get out for a Super Bowl party. I can't even imagine.

Good Morning Ameria!!!!!!!!!

So this morning Paul and I were watching Good Morning America and good ol' Dr. Oz was presenting some information about chronic pain and recovery. He said that for each day you are in bed it will take 10 days to recovery. I literally started to laugh out loud. Bursts of laughter! So far I have been on this couch for 63 days. You do the math. :)

5 Truths

1. Pain CAN make you stronger, if you let it.
2. Self condemnation does nothing for yourself.
3. Shadows prevent one from moving forward but are often necessary in healing.
4. Control can be defined in different ways.
5. You can question, scream and even walk away from God- but what is true will always rise above.

Test Results for week 32

The FFN test came out negative again! This means we will not delivery for two more weeks which puts us at 34 and a half weeks. This was also the last time I will do this test as there is no need after 34 weeks. Who would have imagined that at week 24 we thought we were going to deliver and now we are here at 32! We are feeling so much more peaceful and look forward to the next few weeks going by quickly.

Another Friday Appointment

Another Friday appointment and again another stable day at the doctor's office. It was time for the fetal fibronectin test and I will make sure to post the results tomorrow after we find out. Today we also got to go to RMH and pre-register at the hospital. This was a pretty amazing feeling after all of these weeks of waiting. Thank you again for the mulititudes of prayers, thoughts and e-mails over the past 8 weeks! We continue to anticipate and look forward to the end of this unique journey.

My Shadow

Today's entry is the beginning of a new journey in blogging. It has nothing to do with my current status in pregnancy, but rather the a beginning of a new journey. It is a new journey with the attempts of a bed-ridden woman to understand life. Please feel free to skim, scan or even skip this entry if you have no interest in the musing of a woman with too many hours to spend thinking. I will not be offended.


For years five years now a shadow has been defining itself over my head. Only recently have I discovered this shadow that keeps me from gifts that are ready to be given to me. I struggle to write these words as I know many of you will read them and I do not want to ever paint a picture of perfectness. Please read this entry knowing these are mere ramblings from a woman who has spent many hours with time on her hands. What else can come from being forced to lie around but deep questions and thoughts?

My shadow started five years ago when Paul was diagnosed with stage five cancer and was fighting for his life. As a new bride of six months the "in sickness and health" part was becoming a reality much sooner than expected or even wanted for that matter. Living through 2 1/2 years of treatments with battles won and battles lost can begin to define a person. Living with and battling cancer also gives new meaning to life. Journeying through cancer with someone I loved deeply is where my shadow began and continues to this day.

With what deemed a defying of odds, Paul recovered and life began to move forward. However the Shadow was still there even if it wasn't felt each day. The shadow moved back in when we were told children were not a possibility and would be a miracle if it happened naturally. However the shadow was cast aside completely when six months later we were told we were having twins. The light broke through and I threw my shadow aside singing my praise to the heavens. What an incredible gift to be given despite odds and struggles.

Five months later the Shadow threw itself completely around me as I held my twin sons in my arms and watched them die. November 11th is the day a part of my heart died I forever will be changed. It will forever be known as my darkest day. My Shadow now completely surrounded me. I challenged God, I shouted "WHY" to the heavens, and heaven forbid I even screamed at God. I demanded to know why a God of love would allow this to happen. I battled to continue to trust God and despite still trusting God did not mean I had to understand Him. So began my journey with my shadow.

My shadow continues today despite the thought of a new child, a new miracle. These seven weeks have made me realize that my Shadow has become my comfort. I am beginning to be ready to throw off my shadow and try to receive this gift of life. I recognize this process will not happen over night and there will be days when I have to run back to the cover of my shadow. With baby steps I will begin this journey knowing my journey will have mountaintops and valleys. I will aim to accept this gift and walk each day believing I deserve a new chapter in life with joy and light.

The Countdown Begins

Today is the beginning of the count down. There were small changes today, but no alarms yet. It feels very good to be at 31 weeks and we would really like to make it to 34 so we can delivery here at RMH. After lying around for seven weeks, it seems that I should be able to go 3 more weeks if not 5 more. However, I am making 34 my goal and would be very happy for that week to come. Therefore I entitled this blog entry "The countdown begins" for that reason. It won't be long now. I love hearing from so many of you and thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

31 Weeks

31 Weeks. It is hard to believe that I am still here on this couch. Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks of lying on this coach, that is 49 days, or 1,176 hrs or one bizillion million minutes. :) The best news is that at week 34 I will be allowed to sit up and move around a little more. That is only 3 weeks away and you better believe I am holding on to that one to get me through the next few days. This week my mom is here and she has been an amazing help. The nursery we were so reticent to complete is taking shape and slowly our thoughts are turning to a new journey in our lives.

A Negative can be a positive thing

The test results are in again and they were negative. This means no delivery for two more weeks, which puts us at 32 1/2 weeks. Great news again. I have to say that I am feeling much much more calm and at peace. 32 weeks is another huge goal for babies that can be born early. Now that the holidays are over I am looking forward to spring.

On another note . . . I had two different friends lose a parent this holiday season to cancer. Knowing how hard grief can be, think of them as you spend time with your families this season.

Friday- Another Appointment

Today was another appointment. I am starting to feel like all I do is go to the doctor anymore. :) However, it does bring peace of mind. Again there were no changes and the doctors are very encouraged at how long I have been stable. I will write with another update tomorrow after I call to get the test results of the fetal fibronectin test we did today. Thank you again for the constant stream of thoughts and prayers.