Some of you may note the time on this post: 12:22 a.m. Yes a.m. I would love to say the sleepless nights are long past for me. It seems that they just have become fewer and far between. So long, dark and quiet nights bring me to reflect and as stated before in the quiet is where I learn the most.
The last few days have been ones of reflection and grief again. For those that have lost a child realize the grief never fully goes away. One cannot go back to normal or try to live the way it was before. A new normal must be formed and defined. As I have been defining my new normal I often look to others for help. So as I was searching the other day for words of inspiration I stumbled upon some beautiful words. I was hopelessly cleaning out my "hope" chest, ha no pun intended, when I found this small, crumpled up piece of paper with writing on it. No memory could define where, when or how I had come to write on this small piece of paper but after studying it for a time it was obviously meant for me. Below are words I must have found in a book and they obviously touched me enough to write it down. I share it with you now and you can take what you want or need from it.
To become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that
we do two things, 'hang in there' and 'let go.' To somehow dig
up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us
to scoop up the broken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the
feet of One who would do more in us than just get us through the
storm.
As James Means said, HE would take the fire that blackens our
horizons and warm our souls with it. HE would sharpen our vision
in the darkness that oppresses us. HE would use the despair of
standing at a grave to deepen our trust.
This we cannot do for ourselves. Perhaps because our brokenness
brings us to the end of ourselves, it is here, in these jars of clay that
we offer ourselves up, and God's all surpassing power is made known
and HE indeed makes us strong in our broken places.
Thinking of the broken places . . .
4 comments:
Hey Alicia,
The last few days have been really hard for me as well. Alisha is getting to the place of doing things that Faith was before she passed away and so Faith has been on our minds alot. As you mentioned, the grief never goes away, but a new normal is defined for you. However, I have come to realize that doesn't mean that things won't trigger those very intense moments of grief again every now and then. If you need to talk or whatever, please feel free to call me. Your new one will be here to greet you soon! I don't know how it will be for you all, but April was a very "healing" baby for us. I have also learned that God has been walking beside me all through my grief journey even when I was too upset to acknowledge him.
Hope you have a great week!
Kelly
Alicia,
I too have been thinking of our little boys a lot this past week. It was exactly three years ago when they came to live with us. We were stepping way out of our comfort zone, by strength only God could have given us. We felt lead to be their forever parents. Little did we know, 4 months down the road, what the ending would be. Our boys did not die, but their life with us did. I wonder how they are doing today... are they warm? What did they eat for lunch today? Who kisses them goodnight and do they feel loved and secure...
As you prepare for the birth of your miracle (as I think all children are!) You will have mixed emotions. You will forever grieve your boys, but the love you have for your new child will help heal some of that. You may always wonder what life would be like if things didn't happen they way they did, but you will then look at the face of your child and know that even in the midst of pain, God is still alive and working.
Wow, I think I needed to read your post! Thanks for posting from your heart.
I hope you do not mind, but I've been following along for a little while now and have been praying for you!! God sure has been working in your life. I JUST KNOW HE IS GOING TO continue to BLESS YOUR SOCKS OFF!
My hubby is Burke Hummel and he went to Central. I know your hubby would know him.
Thanks for your blog and your beautiful heart.
God bless!
I learned "normal" is the setting on my dryer. Each of us is different and our lives constantly change—and sometimes it is very hard and sometimes it is very good. yes, we grow during our hard times and sometimes i just get tired of growing! Thanks for your honesty!
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