Today's entry is the beginning of a new journey in blogging. It has nothing to do with my current status in pregnancy, but rather the a beginning of a new journey. It is a new journey with the attempts of a bed-ridden woman to understand life. Please feel free to skim, scan or even skip this entry if you have no interest in the musing of a woman with too many hours to spend thinking. I will not be offended.
For years five years now a shadow has been defining itself over my head. Only recently have I discovered this shadow that keeps me from gifts that are ready to be given to me. I struggle to write these words as I know many of you will read them and I do not want to ever paint a picture of perfectness. Please read this entry knowing these are mere ramblings from a woman who has spent many hours with time on her hands. What else can come from being forced to lie around but deep questions and thoughts?
My shadow started five years ago when Paul was diagnosed with stage five cancer and was fighting for his life. As a new bride of six months the "in sickness and health" part was becoming a reality much sooner than expected or even wanted for that matter. Living through 2 1/2 years of treatments with battles won and battles lost can begin to define a person. Living with and battling cancer also gives new meaning to life. Journeying through cancer with someone I loved deeply is where my shadow began and continues to this day.
With what deemed a defying of odds, Paul recovered and life began to move forward. However the Shadow was still there even if it wasn't felt each day. The shadow moved back in when we were told children were not a possibility and would be a miracle if it happened naturally. However the shadow was cast aside completely when six months later we were told we were having twins. The light broke through and I threw my shadow aside singing my praise to the heavens. What an incredible gift to be given despite odds and struggles.
Five months later the Shadow threw itself completely around me as I held my twin sons in my arms and watched them die. November 11th is the day a part of my heart died I forever will be changed. It will forever be known as my darkest day. My Shadow now completely surrounded me. I challenged God, I shouted "WHY" to the heavens, and heaven forbid I even screamed at God. I demanded to know why a God of love would allow this to happen. I battled to continue to trust God and despite still trusting God did not mean I had to understand Him. So began my journey with my shadow.
My shadow continues today despite the thought of a new child, a new miracle. These seven weeks have made me realize that my Shadow has become my comfort. I am beginning to be ready to throw off my shadow and try to receive this gift of life. I recognize this process will not happen over night and there will be days when I have to run back to the cover of my shadow. With baby steps I will begin this journey knowing my journey will have mountaintops and valleys. I will aim to accept this gift and walk each day believing I deserve a new chapter in life with joy and light.
The Berrys
8 comments:
Your latest post brought tears.....No one can truly understand what you have gone through and how that affects how you deal with this current struggle. With our experience with the boys, I found I was more upset when things started to get better and Elijah was doing the best. I still find it very hard to give up that grief.
The one thing I do know that your baby is so lucky to have such a strong momma. And that you deserve so much happiness!
Hugs,
Katie and the boys
You are amazing.
Sues
You will always be able to find comfort in your shadow and know that it will always be there. Even though sometimes it may have felt like a bad thing, you have come to realize that it was actually protecting you. What a revelation! It will be there in sadness and joy and is never failing. Trials make us stronger and my dear lady... YOU have strength!
Thanks for your vulnerability in writing the last post Alicia. I loved the sentence, "I am beginning to be ready to throw off my shadow and try to receive this gift of life." You are an amazing woman with incredible strength. I wish you courage as you say goodbye to your shadow and celebrate hope and new life!
Sandy
Alicia,
Your post reminded me of our time with Matthew in the NICU. That shadow still hangs around sometimes. He still goes to therapy and I still "worry". Matt had Melanoma remover from his back ~4 years ago and I still wait for that to come back. Early on in our NICU saga I decided to read Job, one chapter a day. Surely, that would make me feel better. What gave me strength wasn't simply that Job had it worse than anything I could imagine but that God is in complete control. Like you said, we can't understand Him. There is so much in the realm of mystery. Even now, I look back in all of my life and see lessons that He had for me that I am just now realizing. We're in the refiner's fire being made into what God wants us to be. My shadow is fear. Fear of all kinds of things that can happen to those I love. My life is busy though and it keeps me from dwelling on those fears. Also, I know people that keep busy "worrying". I don't want to live like that, it's depressing to be around. I don't want to be that to others. Being busy keeps me from dwelling on the "what ifs" but more than that, I have learned that knowing who God is(reading a Psalm every day helps so much!), as far as my feeble self can understand, gives me peace and the ability to rest in whatever each day brings. Like the old hymn says, "Leaning on the everlasting arms".
On a tangent, I remember that when my brother David's wife was on bedrest for months, she had stacks of philosophy, theology, and worldview books around her couch. ; ) She was doing some heavy thinking like it sounds you have also been doing. I was envious (not quite the right word) of the time she had to read and think.
: ) Then when I was on complete bedrest in L&D for two weeks, I understood how miserable she was. The most mundane, dumb, silly things became something I just wanted to do so bad! Better me in the bed than the "what ifs".
Ok, now that I've written a super-long comment--I should go write on my own blog, eh?
Take care! I'm still praying you go to 40 weeks!
Kim
Thanks for sharing Alicia. So many times I have thought, why do these things continue to happen to them? I don't know the answers but I do know that, though you may not feel it all the time, you have an incredible strength. I have no way to understand what you've gone through but I will always look to you (and Paul) as someone who has loved and lost but ultimately lived.
Love, Kendra
Alicia,
Your strength and willingness to open up are an inspiration to us all.
keeping you in my prayers,
Theresa Litwiller Blossom
Whoa Alicia, that was amazing. Did you just rattle that off? WOW. Are you a secret hidden talented accomplished writer dressed in a pregnant bed-resting awesome photographer's clothes?
As if I didn't know it already, I'm quite certain you are one of the strongest women I know. And, yeah yeah, I KNOW you didn't bear you soul & share those thoughts so everyone would sing your praises, it's just, that, well, you ROCK girl and I think everyone would agree with me there. We love you guys =)
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