Remebering the Silence

Someone asked me the the other day if I was missing the days of bed rest now that I have a very active two month, almost three month old. Honestly. No. I am just not someone who craves to lie around. There is too much to do, to enjoy. However, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy resting each night and there have been many nights that I have left my warm bed with a grumpy flourish to walk the whole 10 steps down the hall to answer the cry of a hungry infant. I can imagine from Paul's perspective the grumpy flourish can be more of a tidal wave some nights. However it is on nights like these when I find myself awake after yet another night of being up with Audra and find that despite sheer exhaustion I cannot sleep. For whatever reason times of deep quiet are when I think the best and realize many things. There is deep value in quiet and reflective times. I believe that is why it was created. SO I have come to stop fighting these episodes of awareness and just marvel in the awe of having a little girl who came at such a price.

For now I scrounged up some photos for those of you who can't seem to stop demanding more. Maybe this will quiet your roar until I finish school and actually have time to work on posting more. (Hmmm there are a few of you who will remain nameless, despite your persistant nagging- I have a feeling you just want a photo but I shall pretend you want to read my endless ramblings- I hope you realize that I am sacrificing sleep to post them! :)

The Shadow Lingers- Holding on and letting go

It is 4 a.m. and as I blankly stare at this screen I continue to ask myself why my deepest thinking has to come in the middle of the night or early morning. I have no answers and know that I will pay for it tomorrow. However, sometimes the emotional benefit far out-weighs the need for sleep. And lets be honest, who really sleeps with a five week in the house.

For awhile now I have been realizing my shadow still lingers. This became apparent to me when a good friend asked me how it was to remember Jacob and Caden now that Audra was born. This is the same friend who has walked so intimately with us during this time. She was the first one to the hospital the morning the boys died and she was the same friend who came to the hospital with three roses- two in remembrance of Jacob and Caden and one for Audra. There are very few who have stayed, continued to walk beside me and look to me and say “Alicia, I will not forget.” There are very few that ask about the boys simply because as humans we don’t know what to say- and sadly in the end- we say nothing, leaving a feeling of being forgotten to the ones who never forget. She is the same friend who walks with her own unspoken grief yet takes time to ask me these questions because she knows I need to think them. To her I am forever grateful and wish for everyone a friend like this.

I never did answer her completely as it often takes me awhile to process such questions. And as has I have come to realize my answers come in the form of what I like to call “mind-stunners.” These are the answers that slam us in the face and we are left with a stunned expression on our face and wonder why it took so long for it to become clear. I feel this is a fitting word as dictionary.com defines the word stun- “to deprive of consciousness or strength”, to shock; overwhelm.” So my “stunner” came tonight as I stood over Audra’s crib and realized with a force so full of grief that she would not be here if the boys had not passed on. The most heartbreaking thing for a grieving mother to realize is that you can’t have both. Somehow I want to hold on and let go at the same time. I will I know that I will never know my three children in this life- but I look forward to the day I do; A day I enter a life where I will walk with all three.

So I will end with a photo of Audra and anticipate watching her grow and awaiting the day she will be old enough to learn about her two older brothers and the day that I will walk with all of my children- hand in hand.

One Month

It is hard to believe that one month has come and gone. So far we have had some exciting times around the Berry household. I am finally updating this site with more pictures as so many of you are asking for. It has an amazing month. Where has time gone?

Meanings

Audra= "noble strength"

Many of you have asked how we came up with the name Audra. I have to admit that I heard it a couple years ago and really liked how it sounded. However, I am a person who likes to have stories or meanings behind names so I wasn't sure if the name made the short list. It also had to pass the approval of Paul, who wasn't as sold as I was. However, he did at least pause and think about it when I suggested it, which was much better then other names presented to him. I am also a teacher which makes naming a child a very challenging thing. So when we came down to two girl names, I finally got a hold of book to find the meaning of the name Audra. Audra means "noble strength." I immediately felt that was an appropriate name for a little baby that had to endure scary tests and many doctor appointments as well as the threat of an early arrival. In the beginning of the pregnancy I would actually talk to her and tell her she was strong and she could do this. Sounds corny, I know, but it really helped me. It was at that point that I was sure that should be her name, if she were to be a girl. Grace was easy and seemed appropriate as we were given the grace to make it through this journey. So the story of her name unfolded. However, it was not until the moment she was born that the decision was made for Paul. He wanted to see her first before he made a decision on the name. I guess he felt it was right too. Don't try to pull the other name out of me, I might want to use it in the future. Thank you to all of you for the countless e-mails, comments, and cards. It has been wonderful to share her with you.

P.S. Many of you have commented on the pictures and assumed I was the one to take them, however, the credit all goes to Paul. He is also an amazing photographer, he just doesn't take credit for it.

Hair

More pictures

We promise not to flood this website with pictures. However, we are unable to access Facebook at the hospital because according to the web blocker, it is a dating network and is not acceptable for the hospital. So here is where we will post some new shots. We have some anxious grandparents who need to see her. Thank you for the many e-mails and notes. They are so fun to get.

Audra Grace

Baby Berry is finally here! Audra Grace Berry arrived March 9th at 12:38 p.m. She is 8.8 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. She has big hands, great for a middle blocker in volleyball or a setter. :) We came in at 8:30 and by 12:38, she was born. Paul and I were very excited to hear her first cries. Here is the first picture of her and I am sure there will be more to come. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. We are so ready to begin this new journey.

No New News

Just an update to let everyone know there is still no news of a baby. Stay tuned.

The Countdown Begins

After visiting the Dr. today we now have a plan. As of today I am 4 1/2 cm and 95% effaced. Sorry for those of you who think that was too much info. Dr. Cassidy can't believe we are still walking around! :) We went ahead and planned an induction for Monday, March 9th but know we could go before that day. Of course we would like if nature would take it course but we are also okay with setting a date to deliver. What is known is that Baby Berry will be entering the world in 7 days or less. Knowing our history we will probably go to Monday. :)

False Alarm

So I guess the contractions were another false alarm. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and we shall see what is going on and begin to talk about a plan if I continue to be in the waiting period. My official due date is March 11th and for those of you wise crackers who thought it would be so funny if I went past my due date, I am seriously considering hunting you all down. It is a good thing to be this far, it just seems unreal. We will keep you posted.